Those Annoying Humans
by Tritan Z
Summary: In the end, it's kind of silly that a random perverted high school boy could ever possibly beat a flying superpowered alien in a game of tag.
1. The Likely Result of an Alien Invasion

There had been many stories written about alien invasions. Starting with The War of the Worlds, and going on from there. Tales of heroism, of last ditch efforts and (for most) barely one victory. But none of them could have prepared humanity for what would happen when reality and the greater universe came knocking.

They called themselves the Oni, and they sure looked the part. Apparently they had visited the planet before, hundreds of years ago, but decided to come back later. Only this time they came as a mighty empire, with Earth being the latest world to add to their Galactic Kingdom. But the Oni had this strange sense of fair play. Before they would invade, they'd have a contest between a randomly chosen human and their Empire's princess. A game of _Tag_ of all things. Where if the champion managed to win, the Earth would keep her freedom. A single duel to decide the fate of the world.

"Oh no! The timer just ran out! Earth… Earth has lost the tag race!"

The champion stopped, eyes twitching. His hands were mere centimeters from the Princess's horns, another split second and he would have grabbed them.

The Princess, meanwhile, grabbed her bikini top from the boy and put it back on. "Well that was fun!" She said. "Bye bye! I hope we can play again sometime!"

Boy, it sure did suck when the Oni picked _Ataru Moroboshi_ of all people to represent Humanity..

* * *

Needless to say, it was a slaughter. Well, a slaughter in metaphorical terms. There were, bizarrely enough, no casualties in the Oni's conquest. They didn't **need** to kill any humans. Not when they could use their advanced technology to neutralize any threat they tried to level against them. How the giant magnets they extended from the bottom of their flying saucers only attracted firearms and ammunition is a question that Earth scientists didn't have the answer to. Explosives fizzled uselessly against their force fields. They played music that made soldiers dance to exhaustion. Even Nuclear weapons simply failed to go off. Several assassination attempts were foiled by **time travel.** The Oni had already won, and were now writing the history books.

It has been six months since that fateful day, and we find ourselves in the small Japanese city of Tomobiki, where Earth's fate had been decided. Six months in, and humanity finds themselves already beaten, under the thumb of new and strange rulers.

To start with, everything actually looked pretty normal when the sun rose. The buildings were intact. Pretty typical looking Japanese fare. But then people started coming out of their houses, and it quickly became apparent that all was not normal.

With new bosses came new fashion. Once Earth became Oni territory the gates were opened for galactic trade, and the fashion labels descended down. Somehow, despite the fact that the women coming out of their homes were wearing what amount to bikini tops, mini skirts, and other such revealing items, the advanced tech used to make them somehow kept the entire body at the perfect temperature. Also they were all tiger print, marking them as property of the oni. The men wore a mix of more covering body suits or tiger print shorts.

Only one girl walked out not dressed in this new fashion. Wearing her old school uniform. It was a symbol of resistance. Of pride. She refused to be corrupted by everyone else! Shinobu Miyake would not submit to the aliens even **if** all of Earth's governments had already surrendered! Even if alien police were around every corner now! She would resist!

She just, you know, needed to find a resistance group to join. Right now though, she was heading down the street to a house. The house was mostly normal, except it was covered in graffiti and people threw a rotten fruit or vegetable at it each time they walked by. There were some people who had set up stands to sell old produce nearby. She didn't buy one, she walked past the usual sneering mob. (Hypocritically wearing the uniforms of their conquerors!) Reaching the front door, she knocked. The door opened, revealing a frazzled looking housewife. "Ah, good morning Shinobu."

"Can I come in?" She asked.

* * *

He heard knocking at the door. He flicked a switch, turning on the light to his room. The windows were boarded up, and a mattress covered that for extra sound proofing. A steel drum with a heater attached had been set up in one corner, and a small fridge with leftovers in the other corner. Homework and comics scattered around.

And plastered on the walls were pictures of **her.** The cute, smiling, happy looking girl in a tiger print bikini with go-go boots. His enemy, his source of humiliation. Ataru Moroboshi didn't know why he was so obsessed with Princess Lum. But he knew that one day he'd beat her again. She had even made the offer herself! Still, for now there was the issue of someone at the door. Could be somebody trying to kill him. That had happened a few times. Could be **Cherry.** Or that niece she keeps threatening him with. The one with the appetite that makes his look small. "Password!" he shouted.

A sigh from the other side of the door. "I'll go out with you Ataru."

There, a phrase no woman would say any more! It was Shinobu! Ataru went over to his door, undid the twenty locks over it, pulled open the steel security door and unlocked ten more locks before opening it to see Shinobu. In her school uniform as usual these weekday mornings. "Good Morning Shinobu!" He said, a smile on his face.

"Good morning Ataru." Shinobu said, walking into Ataru's sealed bunker.

"Right, you here to pick up my homework?" Ataru said. He had not left his room in six months. Not since he had lost.

"Yes." Shinobu said, watching as Ataru ran to his desk, threw aside a dozen pictures of Lum holding an oni baby, and handed her the stack of perfectly completed homework. Ataru's grades had become straight A's once he stopped coming to school. "Err, Ataru?"

"Yes?" Ataru glanced up to her.

"Err… you want to go see a movie?" Shinobu asked, swallowing nervously.

"...why? Why not find a guy to date who **didn't fail humanity."** Ataru was in a flash on his futon, rocking back and forth. "Until I find **her** and beat her in tag to get us back on track I can't!"

"You do realize that Princess Lum is regularly in town, right? You're not going to get at her if you just huddle in your room." Shinobu sighed. She hated what had happened to her boyfriend. He was obsessed with Lum, somehow thinking if he can beat her this time humanity will magically be freed. But he never left the room, and considering there were regular effigies of him burned outside his house that was probably not quite a bad idea. But there had only been three angry mobs chanting for his death this week! And each one lasted just a few hours! Much better than when it had been constant. She needed to get Ataru out of his shell! But how? Everything she'd thought of, everything she'd tried... It hadn't worked! She was long since out of ideas.

"Your visits are the bright spot of my day," Ataru sighed. "Seeing you there in your school uniform, I can almost pretend that nothing's changed."

Shinobu clenched her fists. There had to be something, anything! "Th-things have changed!" Shinobu said, reaching into her school bag. "This… this is our class photo!" Tears in her eyes, she shoved the picture in Ataru's face. "See, Ataru! Things have changed! Things are worse! Sure they put on this show of being mad but it's clear that they're all just submitting!"

Ataru stared at the picture. "Are… are the girls wearing…"

"Yes! It's disgusting! They're all just going along with what the aliens want! Dressing as them, acting as them… it won't be long until the human race is just a footnote in history!" Shinobu clutched his shoulders desperately. "We're just two teenagers, but I know we can resist and lead a charge to a chapter of-"

"They're wearing those super cute bikinis and boot combos!?" Ataru said. "All this time I've been sulking around and girls everywhere are dressing like that!"

"...uh…" Shinobu blinked. "Ataru, dear, that's not the point. It's about submitting to-"

Ataru threw off his clothes and dived into his bathing drum. "Shinobu! Go tell mom to get my lunch ready! I'm going to school!"

Shinobu's eye twitched. "I… I…" All this time. **This** is what finally got him out and moving!? Her body went slack, "Fine…" She said. Whatever. If Ataru's dick is what finally drove him to action, well, it wasn't that different than anything else he had ever done? Shinobu would make do, she always had.

* * *

Lum, Princess of the Oni Empire, Conqueror of Earth, was bored. It had been a month since any human tried anything! Honestly she had been hoping for a group of decades long resistance cells. It would be so much fun playing with them. Lure them into games with Earth's freedom on the line. They could have had years of fun, even maybe let them set the terms for some of them to see how creative they could get.

But no. They fell in line depressingly quickly. What was the problem exactly? Was it that humanity wanted to be ruled, or that the Oni were doing a better job of it than they were? There hadn't been any conflicts amongst themselves, the crime rate was down, quality of living had gone up and up and was continuing to go up as they adjusted to using Oni level technology.

"Maybe... we weren't tyrannical enough?" Lum mused. "Hrm... Trying to emulate their movies is pretty tough. We don't want to actually kill anyone, where's the fun in that?"

It was at that point the door to her room opened. "Ah, Princess!" The man stode in, "How fares you today?"

Lum's eye twitched. "Just… fine. Mr. Mendo."

Shutaro Mendo made a dramatic bow. "Glad to hear it." The Mendo family was one of the richest on Earth. They had sent a missive to the Oni to try and bribe their way out of being taken over early on. But when Lum had arrived to negotiate Shutaro had spent 30 seconds looking at her chest before declaring the Mendo family as earnest supporters of the Oni Empire. Her dad had thought it a great idea to have some humans on the take over team, and so Shutaro had been made Lum's right hand man. It was a decision that Lum had not quite forgiven him for.

Lum had not forgiven her father because, to be blunt, Shutaro Mendo was **insufferable.** He had this sort of insane unearned ego that came from being born rich. Sure, Lum had been born rich and the future ruler of an empire, but she had been sent to regular public school like the rest. Her dad didn't even tell her they ran the Empire until she was fifteen! Also, Mendo thought that he was the smartest man in the room at all times. Reality kept proving him wrong but he continued to believe. Lum counted four times thus far the Time Travel squad had to undo some of his mistakes. (Those were just the ones she remembered, the nature of the Time Travel squad made accurate record keeping difficult.) And, most annoying of all, he was constantly hitting on her. He put on this annoying "Oh my noble princess I am your knight" act. **All the time.** She almost preferred Rei at this point. At least when he was annoying it was easy to shut him up!

"I've been looking at the economic index, and I'm a bit concerned about the price of gas. It's been collapsing." Shutaro said. "And the Mendo family has substantial-"

"Mr. Mendo, you do realize that with Zero Point Engines fossil fuels aren't needed for **anything** anymore, right? The reason the price of gas is collapsing is because people are getting rid of their old cars." Lum said.

"Getting... Rid... Of their old cars?" Mendo repeated. "I'm terribly sorry, but I do not understand what you mean."

"I mean that the fossil fuel industry is a dead one. " Lum said, "I mean, burning stuff for fun is nice, but using it to actually try and power things? Why bother? And it's sooo messy. You have to dig into the planet and pull up dead plants and animals. Process it. And then there's all the messy pollution and spills to deal with… just not worth it."

"No. No. Princess. It's not dead. Just resting." Shutaro twitched, "If… if we get rid of the fossil fuels… than the hippies win Princess! The bleeding heart pot smoking limp wristed hippies win!"

"It's dead Mr. Mendo." Lum sighed. "It's stone dead. It's kicked the bucket. It has shuffled off and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-industry." She brushed her hair aside, "Seriously, fossil fuels are so worthless in the greater galaxy that I doubt you'd be able to use the entirety of Earth's supply of them to pay for something trivial like, oh I don't know, cab fare?"

"But- but-"

Oh right. This was the second worst part about Shutaro Mendo. When something popped up that disagreed with how he felt things Should Be, he vanished into a little world of his own denial.

She really needed to get out some more. She couldn't remember the last time she had just hung out with friends. Benten, Oyuki... Ran to see what sort of fun revenge games she came up with. But no, at the very least she was off dating Rei. By dating she meant feeding him dates. One of these days Ran was going to try and do more with Rei and Lum just knew she'd be blamed for when it failed.

Blip. One of her news alerts blinked. She pulled up her cell phone and glanced at it. To think, humans didn't even have these until five and a half months ago! Now they barely put them down. If they hadn't eased them into some of the other technology that was available... Ooh, it made her shudder to think.

 **"Earth's Greatest Failure Ataru Moroboshi seen first time in six months! Heading to school with a girl in old Earth School Uniforms!"**

Oh yes. Him. Lum remembered Ataru Moroboshi. He had been… interesting. A fun opponent. One of the more unique and interesting people she had met, let alone humans. There had been something there, a spark she hadn't felt since. But with all the problems of taking over and running Earth she hadn't had a chance to check up on him. But now that things were settling down a little, why not go check up on him. "Oh, Mr. Mendo."

"Y-yes My Lady?" Mendo was snapped out of his denial that he was about to lose 15% of his fortune from technological obsolescence.

"I'm going out for a bit. I want to see how my Tag Opponent is doing now."

"That… layabout... Moroboshi boy?" Shutaro said, "What would you want to do with such a miserable failure of a ch1ld?

"Aren't you the same age as him?"

"Only physically, Princess."

Lum rolled her eyes, "He almost won, you know, if he had been a split second faster…"

"Oh, I shudder to think of what my life would be like if I hadn't been able to serve you Princess." Mendo said.

Lum barely managed to repress a nasty comment. She probably should at least shock him a little bit to remind him that she didn't much care for that kind of toadying attitude. Instead she had a better idea. "Could you be a dear and bring me a bottle of that yummy Reaper Chili sauce?"

"R-Reaper chili?" Shutaro calmly said. Though inside, she was rather sure he was anything but. "Don't you keep that in the deepest, darkest part of the storage bay?"

"As it happens, yes," Lum said, coldly inspecting her fingernails. "That isn't a problem I trust?"

"Not at all!" Shutaro said, a hint of creeping madness and laughter in his voice. Honestly, one day she needed to find out whatever had put such an intense fear into him, it must be a truly terrifying and ugly monster.

As Shutaro left, Lum floated up to her computer. She pressed a few keys and quickly found the school that Ataru Moroboshi went to. One Shutaro came back with that delicious Chili sauce (Humans had the most amazing spicy food, the best part of taking over Earth in Lum's opinion) the two of them would go see how her old rival had been doing. Maybe she'd see if she could reignite that spark.


	2. Alien (Re?)Education System

For the first time in half a year, Ataru Moroboshi sets foot outside his home. He blinks in the sunlight. He breathes in the fresh air. He hears the sounds of birds singing. He feels the warmth of the sun against his skin. It's... beautiful. No other word for it. After being inside for so long it is simply gorgeous out here.

Though not nearly as pretty as the three chicks walking past his house clad in naught but tiger print bikinis and thigh high gogo boots!

Some skills you forget with disuse. Others come back to you like riding a bike. You think you've forgotten, but you've still got the knack. In the case of one Ataru Moroboshi he had not gone girl hunting in six months time. For him it wasn't a matter of forgetting. You see, he couldn't ever forget something like this. All that happened instead was a built up release of energy and, to cut a long story short, he teleported in a cloud of perverted smoke outside the garden and next to the trio.

"Hi ladies!" he said, taking care to examine and memorise every single inch of exposed flesh before moving onto the not exposed flesh. This way he could fill in the blanks himself. "My, my! Oni fashion does you all kinds of favours! I simply must know your names, your numbers, your addresses and your three - No, no! No need to tell me your three sizes, I already have a pretty solid idea!"

This was where the expected electric shock hit him like a bolt from the blue. Sure enough it's probably a familiar sight for most readers: Ataru being shocked by a pretty girl in a tiger print bikini. But this was a human being. She didn't have the special powers innate to the Oni race. Nope! Not at all. She just had a taser.

"Weirdo!" one of them spat.

"Huh... He seemed familiar didn't he?" another mused. "Wasn't he the boy that lost to Lady Lum in the tag race? We are outside his house."

"Pft, no way! That guy was way more handsome than that loser!"

"Yeah he was not near as pale. Or as skinny. Nor did he have this crazy gleam in his eye."

"As if traitors to the human race have any right to say anything!"

"Yipes!" the girls jumped. "It's that crazy psycho-chick with no fashion sense!"

And off they ran down the street, scared spitless of Shinobu. When he turned around Ataru kind of saw the point. That was not a face you wanted to be within twenty feet of unless you happened to like getting your balls chewed off. Which was a fetish Ataru would permit no woman to indulge in, thank you very much!

"Dummy!" Shinobu flicked him on the forehead. Then she strode across the street and helped pull Ataru out of the hole in the wall that he'd made with his body. "We need to be working out ways to fight back against the Oni, not reinforcing this crummy, slutty, overbearing new fashion sense! I bet they've woven some kind of parasitic life-form into the threads to take over everyone's minds! We've got to find out a way to save them, not hit on them!"

Right, right. Come to think of it she had become a bit of a slightly twitchy conspiracy theorist in the last six months, hadn't she? It was a bit difficult to spot that when he was isolating himself so much from everyone else, but now that he was coming back out into the world at large the least Ataru could do was summon up all of his knowledge about Shinobu to say exactly the right thing to help her calm down.

"You'd look really hot in that bikini," he nodded sagely. The next thing Ataru new he was being embedded slightly into a wall again, except this time he was being held up. Namely by Shinobu. By the neck.

"Don't even joke about that!" Shinobu said. "I will never submit to those evil alien overlords! I will never - " Shinobu stopped to gulp. "Slip on those comfortable looking bikinis and parade around my body for all to see, the tiger print flattering my figure." The look in her eyes dialed up the crazed and far off seeing. "I'll never strut down the street where everyone can see me barely wearing anything at all! With the gogo boots forcing me to adjust my posture to something sexier and more healthy, not to mention more confident in my appeal."

"Uh... Shinobu?"

"Not to mention how much it'll make my recent breast growth much more obvious! I'd be able to walk around with my head held high knowing the girls are getting a good showing!"

"Sh-Shinobu?"

"And… and they'll gawk at me and undress me with their eyes! Then some alien prince will decide I'd make a good girlfriend and take me to his spaceship and the next thing I know there's a bikini wedding dress!" She shrieked.

"Shinobu?!"

"What do you want you lame boring earthling?! I mean... Like I was saying I would never submit to the Oni no matter what! So what's with the interruption?"

"You're drawing a crowd."

Shinobu slowly turned to peer over her shoulder. Sure enough, there was a group of people behind her, all of them in the now standard Oni attire. One of them took a picture, and a moment later the scarily strong girl smiled and slowly lowered Ataru back to the ground.

Weirdly, Ataru was still really turned on by this. After all, Shinobu had never ranted about repressed seuxal desires and covered them up with planetary patriotism before! It was new and interesting! And hey, if he managed to save the Earth maybe she'd still marry him. Also he really wanted to see that bikini wedding dress.

"Hahahaha!" Shinobu laughed while curtseying. "Excuse us! Goodbye!" She grabbed hold of Ataru and began hauling him down the street, with her free hand she then reached into her bag, pulled out a roll of tinfoil and started wrapping it around her head. "I know what you're doing! You're using your alien mind control beams to make me want to wear those super comfortable looking bikinis that everyone I know is wearing and looks super - Cut it out! Stop that! I won't fall for it!"

"This is still super hot," Ataru muttered to himself.

* * *

Do you know the biggest problem with being so fabulously wealthy? Boredom. Everything is handed to you. All you have to do is ask, and your wildest fantasies can be realised. That was why Ryoko 'acted out'. Tormented her brother. Tormented everyone she met, for that matter. From the perspective of Ryoko Mendo life had recently become a lot more interesting. And why shouldn't it when she had gained a brand new playmate?

"What is it that Earth boys like?" said the pretty alien girl who had a physique many human women would gladly commit murder for. Not Ryoko of course, her figure was rather splendid as it was. "Would using my tractor beam to suck him into my UFO be a faux pas? That's how I met my last boyfriend."

"Generally that's considered kidnapping."

"But he's not a goat. Nor would he be asleep."

Ryoko gave her a flat look at that remark. "Lum, we both know you speak the language fluently, please do not try to kid a kidder."

"Fooey! I'll get you one of these days!" Lum stuck her tongue out at the girl.

No she wouldn't. The girl was probably considered quite the trickster up in space, but down here on Earth she would have to really up her game. Perhaps it was the absurdly advanced, almost magical technology that made insane pranks so easy in space? Ryoko could accomplish more with a lie then Lum did with cyber-clones. Not to say that Ryoko regularly lied to Lum, not her. She knew who buttered the bread now, and as long as she stayed in the Oni's good graces then everything would go well.

Not to mention that Lum occasionally gave her new technology to torture - ah, play with her brother. That one time she used that temporary double ray gun to make a dozen Tombimaru's had been hilarious. Then there was the time that she trapped him in that pitch black pocket universe. Oh, and the time she had tricked him into getting into a fist fight with his own future self! That had taken quite some planning but it had been quite worth it in the end.

This was about the time that she noticed a quirk of phrasing Lum had used a little while ago. "Last boyfriend?" Ryoko repeated. "That's what you said before, right? Don't tell me you intend to date this Moroboshi boy."

"Maybe I do. Maybe not!" Lum said. Now she was holding up two 'fancy' variants of her tiger print swimsuit. Technically speaking she only had the one bikini, but it seemed as though she wasn't counting her 'special occasion' outfits. "Which looks cuter?"

"The right one," Ryoko said. Lum immediately discarded it, just as Ryoko had wanted. She was still a step behind on the bluff-double bluff game. Then again that left bikini on that body was still going to leave men drooling like the pigs they all secretly were. "What I mean is, are you quite serious? The only interaction you've had with him is humiliating him in front of the entire world half a year ago." Ryoko stopped a moment after saying that. Oh goodness. She really had to up her game, that was rather _tremendous_ trolling.

"He's interesting." Lum said, "I'm sure we can learn a bit more about each other in a more casual context!"

"Might I suggest practising safe casual context?" Ryoko advised, only half joking. "You wouldn't want to accidentally discover how biologically compatible our species are, do you?"

"I don't think that's much of a problem. We Oni have live births." Lum said. "So I don't think there's going to be any freaky hybrids."

Live births? What, like Humans didn't- "Oh? So how does your species intercourse and birth work?"

Lum's face reddened, "Well, uh, you know… it's like.. The male puts their… thing. Into the female, and there's internal insemination and the baby grows in our… body."

"Oh? Fascinating." Ryoko said, somehow managing to hide the massive shit-eating grin that was within her soul. Her face remained astonishingly neutral throughout all of it. "That sounds a little odd to me."

"Yeah, my dad told me about how Humans reproduce. You girls lay eggs in pools of water and the male inseminates them right?"

"Yes that is exactly how it goes." Ryoko lied through her teeth. "It's why it's called the Birds and the Bees. The birds lay the eggs and the bees drop the pollen on them."

There was a sound like a thunderous hammer. It actually made Lum jump when it happened "What was that?" she asked.

"I'm sorry I didn't have breakfast," Ryoko smoothly lied. Actually, it had been the sound of her restrained laughter knocking desperately so it could get out.

"And then once the eggs hatch and the larvae develop into tiny baby humans storks come pick them up to deliver them to the proper parents right? I don't get how that works, evolution wise." Lum asked.

"That's a long and involved history. The stork-mankind symbiosis has been the subject of centuries of study and discussion." Ryoko said. "I'm sure if you looked into it you would find all manner of references to the involvement of storks in the reproductive process, especially in Western media."

"Why Western media?"

"They're a little less shy on such matters for whatever reason," Ryoko shrugged. "One need only look at the predominance of graphic violence in their work to understand the difference in outlook."

"Hrm... Well, that's a shame. I've heard that our way is a lot more fun. If a human had been interesting enough, I might have tried it out with them... Oh well, I doubt they'd be interested."

Clong! This time Ryoko dropped to her knees from the internal impact of holding in her laughter.

"Are you OK?" Lum asked, leaning over her friend.

"I'm fine. I was overcome with the thought of an Oni/human hybrid." Ryoko said, "It was far too cute. Alas, it will never be, if only my brother understood anything about sex and women."

"I wouldn't want to mate with your brother anyway," Lum sharply decreed. "He's all looks and that's all. I've had enough of that for a lifetime, thank you very much! I want someone interesting in my life!" When you have thousands of species of various sexual and genetic compatibilities relationships could stretch in pretty unique ways on the Galactic Dating Scene. And Lum did not want anything remotely 'vanilla' right now. She had tried that already. And then that 'vanilla' had demanded she make him some curry. Then more curry, and more, and more...

"I completely agree about wanting something interesting." Ryoko said, though she was sure that the two of them had different definitions of interesting.

Then the door to Ryoko's room was kicked open. "So… Dark… so… scary! Princess!" Shutaro walked through the door, his eyes twitching and his voice very high pitched. "I got the hot sauce!" He said, wobbling to the chair she was sitting in. He sat the bottle down on a small side table next to her, "As… always… I do my best… for you."

"Thank you Mr. Mendo, I'll see you later!" Lum said, swanning out of the room without giving him a second look. Or for that matter a first.

Shutaro's eyes didn't move from the bottle of hot sauce he had just gone through hell to get. "You're quite welcome," he said nervously. "Though I do have to wonder what you wanted it for!"

A few seconds later, after it was reasonably certain that Lum had definitely gone, a smile crept up onto Ryoko's face. "Heh," she chuckled. "Hehehe... Hehehehehehehehe! Hahahahahahahahaha!"

"Ryoko? Are you quite alright little sister?"

To which the girl nodded her head quite enthusiastically, continuing to laugh the entire time. Then she grabbed hold of her brother's lapels and flipped him over onto the floor, planting a foot on his chest and then seizing hold of the bottle of hot sauce with a gleam of mischief in her eyes that was even greater than normal.

"Sister?! What has taken hold of you?" she leaned down and grabbed Shutaro's lower jaw, forcing his mouth open. Then, the bottle was upended, emptying its spicy hot contents down the boy's throat. "Mmmph!" he impotently yelled, thrashing around while his sister laughed and laughed and laughed.

Oh, but this Moroboshi boy might prove to be extremely entertaining! She hadn't even met him yet and he was already making her laugh this much! "Come on dear brother, we've got to escort our cute Princess!"

* * *

"Wait, this is the school?" Ataru looked up at the building where once Tomobiki High had stood. It was a large dome, with dozens of windows and lights around it. People came in through a set of doors at the front, or walked into some standing glass tubes connecting the outside to the dome.

"One of the first things they did was start their brainwashing education program, every school is now this massive computer run facility." Shinobu said. "The teacher is fighting back, best he can, I just know it." Shinobu clenched her fists, "I bet they put subliminals into the videos. Why else would they upgrade all of our equipment like this? You gotta be careful Ataru, now that you'll actually be heading back to class."

"So the aliens are actually getting into education huh…" Ataru mused, "I suppose that's why we've been learning quantum tunneling and 4D manipulation instead of Algebra. The concepts are pretty easy once explained." He shrugged, "So how do we get in?"

"The tubes take you straight to class, but you can walk yourself through the doors if you need something from the school store." Shinobu explained, "Come on, I'm giving you the tour." Still holding on to his arm, she dragged him past the tubes into the school itself.

Inside everything was very shiny and nice looking. Chrome floors and clean shoe lockers. So clean you could probably eat off them. Half the students putting shoes in their lockers were also staring at small glass looking squares in their hands, tapping them occasionally. And they were all in tiger striped clothing of various levels of modesty. Lower levels than your typical school, even during swim class. Much though Ataru would like to dwell on that fact, there was one other thing that was kind of bothering him and he felt it best to get it out of the way now so he could focus his entire attention on the new fashion sense.

"What're those things they're looking at?" Ataru asked.

"Brainwashing tablets," Shinobu explained. "They call them 'mobile phones', but they're clearly brainwashing tablets. Why else would everyone wander around tapping them rather than talking to each other? Besides which, wouldn't phones be used to talk rather than send typed messages?"

"You going on about phones again Shinobu?"

Across the hall was the school store, and leaning out the window was…

"Well hello there." Ataru was up at the utter babe in a tight bikini manning the school store, "Name's, err, uh…" Wait. He didn't know if this girl would realize that he was the one who had failed humanity.

"Wait, are you Ataru? Did Shinobu manage to drag ya to school!" The girl said, smirking at Shinobu.

"Ryuunosuke!" Shinobu said, stomping her foot, "They're evil!"

"Ya also told me the internet's sucking out people's souls." The what?

"You've seen how people act on that 3chan site! They have to be evil!" Shinobu walked up to the girl, "Anyways, this is Ryuunosuke Fujinami, she's a friend of mine who transferred here a while back. Her dad runs the school store and…"

"Ah! Shinobu! Here to see your boyfriend!?" A frankly, disturbing face jumped out from the school store. He then promptly got hit by a heavy box filled with hundreds of pencils.

"I ain't any boyfriend you idiot!" Ryuunosuke snapped.

"He thinks we're dating, for some reason." Shinobu sighed. "Also, he treats Ryuunosuke like a boy."

"...how?" Ataru said, his eyes unable to leave the view of Ryuunosuke's figure.

Ryuunosuke leaned in, smirking, "Ya see, this outfit's special. It projects some weird hologram thing into my old man's eyes, he sees me wearing an old boy's uniform." The girl put her hands behind her head and thrust out her chest. Ataru's tongue rolled out of his mouth and he began to pant like a dog. "Hehehe! You tell me? Am I a boy or a girl?"

"Girl, definitely a girl," Ataru said. "Really, super, totally a girl, so how about your phone number and maybe we can meet up-"

Shinobu grabbed Ataru by the ear, "Will you stop the flirting for five minutes!" She snapped.

Ryuunosuke laughed, "Anyways, if you want a number you gotta get a phone I think. How about after class we get you one?"

Ataru considered this, on one hand Shinobu was claiming they were alien mind control devices, on the other hand an utter babe wanted to go shopping with him. "Sure thing, after school?"

Shinobu facepalmed, "Ataru!" She groaned.

"You can come too." Ryuunosuke offered.

"I think I will, somebody's got to save him." Shinobu said, sighing as she saw the look on Ataru's face as he clearly took it as a date with both of them. "Come on, we need to get to class."

* * *

The classroom itself was, in structure, not that different. There were rows of desks, a blackboard, and a desk for the teacher. The teacher was dressed like most men. Wearing a orange and black outfit. Except that for some reason instead of black stripes it was patterned with black onsen symbols.

"Hmm? Who's this?" Onsen Mark said, "Transfer student?"

"Err, no. It's-" Shinobu began.

"Oy!" One guy said, "Is that Moroboshi?"

"No way he'd be stupid enough to show his face again!" Another added.

"Wait it is him!" In a flash Ataru found himself surrounded by a bunch of angry students. Several of them pulled out clubs, maces, and at least one broadsword. "Get him!" All the male students in the classroom jumped at him!

 **WHAM!** Then all the boys in the class flew up into the air, thanks to the desk Shinobu was wielding. "What is wrong with you! Ataru's the only one of you boys who is fighting the Oni! He's the only one being a **man** , while us helpless girls have to suffer under their rule!"

"Helpless…?" One of the boys muttered from his hole in the ceiling.

"Ataru, did those mean boys hurt you?" Shinobu dropped the desk back onto the ground, grabbing her boyfriend's hands. "They're such hypocrites! Whining and complaining about alien rule but never doing anything about it."

"Huh?" This was new, she wasn't this grabby usually.

"Don't worry about it man." Ryuunosuke patted Ataru on the shoulder, "The guys are annoyed 'cause they can't get as many dates now."

"So you're Ataru Moroboshi then, well I suppose it's nice to have you in class at least!" Onsen Mark laughed, "Now class, settle down. It's time for English class to start!"

The male students, regrettably, settled into their seats. As Shinobu sat down in her desk next to his she dropped a pair of sunglasses on his head before donning her own. "Here, this will block the hypnosis rays their computers use."

"Uhh…"

"Just put them on. It'll make her happy." Ryuunosuke whispered to Ataru, wearing a pair of her own. Ataru shrugged and put them on.

"Gosh, doesn't he look weirdly cool like that?" he heard one girl whisper. Well that settled it, he would wear these sunglasses whenever they were needed!

"I still think Ryuunosuke looks cooler with them." Another girl said with a sigh.

"Oh if only she was wearing boys clothes still…" Another said.

"I don't know, the bikini kind of works for her..." another said.

Note to self: Kick self upside head for not coming to school. Oh the things he had to catch up on!

* * *

Meanwhile, out in the shopping district of Tomobiki, a limo came to a stop. The front door opened, and Mendo dashed out to open the backdoor. "Tomobiki, my lady." he said.

"Oh thank you so much dear brother." Ryoko said, stepping out of the limo.

Mendo's eye twitched, "W-where is she?"

"Lum? Oh she ditched the limo while we were driving through WcDonalds." Ryoko shrugged, "She said she wanted to stretch her legs and fly around."

"T-then why did she have us drive it here!?" Mendo gripped his katana.

"To sell it to the scrap shop. We're getting a zero point hover limo dear brother, don't need this old gas powered one now." Ryoko said. And then her Kuroko swarmed out of the trunk, picked up the limo, and carried it down the sidewalk to labeled scrap shop.

"And you didn't think to tell me this! Princess Lum is out in the world! Where as we speak there may be assassins plotting her doom, or did you forget the exploding dolls she got sent last week!"

"Those were from Ran." Ryoko said, recalling how the cute little dolls had gotten lost. She had helpfully guided them to their destination.

 _"That doesn't change my argument in the slightest!"_ Mendo shouted, "The Princess is out and about in a big bad dangerous world -"

"That her people conquered as easily as we make a sandwich," Ryoko said. This had a different meaning to her as it did other people. She had a sandwich bell that she rang when she wanted one. So Ryoko was describing even less effort than one might expect from the metaphor.

"But what if she meets that degenerate failure Ataru Moroboshi, and I'm not there to protect her from his crazed vengeance! That man was the most hated human being in the world for weeks Ryoko! Who knows what he'll do!"

Meanwhile, Ataru Moroboshi was staring at a poster of Ran that was hanging in the cafeteria. His eyes narrowed, he took a deep breath.

"You know, taking the time to actually look at her, she's really cute."

"She's an alien!" Shinobu hissed, "She's one of **her** little friends! She just thinks because music labels like her songs about some Zero thing then she's some kind of celebrity!"

"Ain't idol singers kind of celebrities?" Ryuunosuke asked, holding up three cans of juice.

"Not the point Ryuunosuke!" Shinobu said, grabbing her own OJ. "Earth made, good." She said after checking the label.

"So she's a friend of… Lum?" Ataru said, frowning at the memory of that oni girl.

"According to the tabloids they're in a 'salacious relationship'." Ryuunosuke said.

"Hot," Ataru said without thinking, immediately imagining the idol on the poster with her limbs intertwined with that sexy devious flying horned...

"And they're in league with Bigfoot." Shinobu said, nodding seriously. Producing a tabloid with what appeared to be Lum, Ran, and some kind of… tiger… cow… thing.

"That's Bigfoot?"

"Well, it's not a handsome hunk from beyond the stars!" Shinobu snorted. "I've got a theory, all those cryptids people see were scouting parties!"

Ryuunosuke coughed. "Right then. Anyways, Moroboshi, what kind of budget you have for phones?"

"Err… I don't know." Ataru admitted. "How much do they cost?"

"Not too much, you can set up a payment plan and everything and they give discounts to students." Ryuunosuke said.

"And they put a tracking chip in them." Shinobu said.

"They don't."

"Then how does its in built map always know where you are?" Shinobu smugly asked.

Ryuunosuke opened her mouth, closed it, and frowned. "I dunno, actually." She said before pointing at Shinobu, "That don't mean there's some kind of trackin' chip! I bet there's a different reason!"

"GPS..." Ataru muttered to himself, but thought better of telling Shinobu there was a satellite in orbit that could work out where she was. That sounded like it would open a can of worms even he didn't want to see open.

* * *

Fifth period was "Galactic History." The biggest indication that humanity had been changed by the coming of the Oni. A portion of the school day was now devoted to learning about the greater universe.

Apparently the galaxy was mostly split between three loose groups. There was the Federation of the Lucky Gods, the Oni Empire, and the unaffiliated groups. Earth had been in the third, until recently. Why Earth had ended up on the take over list wasn't said, because they were still a couple thousand years before that point.

Sixth period was what used to be math, but was instead about Quantum Effects and 4D tunneling. Apparently once you learned it all that tech was really easy. Still, that was nothing Ataru was particularly concerned with right now. Right now he was not so much focused on the lecture, so much as the girls.

Man, they were all so much more interesting like this. School uniforms were, apparently, no longer required. So each girl came with their own outfit, and with the new fashion trends they were all variations of skimpy! To think such a world could be created, a paradise! Such a wonderful-

But wait! Was such a paradise worth it, the cost being mankind's freedom? They were all even now being forced into the Oni's way of thinking, and was it really worth being able to see a babe's breasts bounce in a bikini top as she entered notes into her class computer!?

"Moroboshi! I thought from your grades you were a better student than that!" Oh crap Onsen Mark was in his face. "Instead I find you gawking at other classmates!" The girl he had been staring at blushed a little, Shinobu scowled, and the guys in the class cracked their knuckles.  
"Right right, this is just stuff I already know." Ataru said. "Sorry Teach!"

"Oh really?" Onsen Mark scowled, flipping open his textbook. "Well then explain how a 4D gap is made!"

"You gotta use a 2D Point Module, which I could make for a demonstration if you want, and use it to draw a circle in a point where there are no less than three clocks in a five meter radius." Ataru answered without thinking. Honestly those six months had been dull enough for him to actually make him do his school work, and it seemed the habit wasn't going to fade.

"...err that's right." Onsen Mark said, "Carry on then, uh, Moroboshi."


	3. Reunion of Rivals!

The shopping mall was another one of those places that showed the most change from the Oni take over. For one thing the building was now a giant glass sphere, with artificial gravity letting you walk along the inside to the stores built within, and above you was another smaller sphere containing more stores. It was elaborate, flashy, and clearly the alien overlords showing off.

Shinobu had handed Ataru and Ryuunosuke a set of handcrafted tinfoil hats. "This sphere here, it's filled with Mind Control Rays I bet." She explained to Ataru.

"Couldn't you just line a regular hat with foil?" Ataru asked.

Shinobu thought about that, "You know that's a good idea. We'll buy some Earth made hats in here."

Ryuunosuke had headed up to the transporter located a bit past the sidewalk. "Anyways we get into the mall here." There was a 3D hologram map of the mall hovering above it, with "YOU ARE HERE" flashing just a bit below the map of the sphere. "The cell phone shop is right… here…" She pointed to a spot on the map, "Second layer."

Then portal under the transport opened, and the three fell down to land on a transparent floor.

"Could we get some food first?" Ataru asked.

"That's on the next layer, come on Moroboshi." Ryuunosuke said.

"Plus I wouldn't trust the food they serve here." Shinobu said. Looking around a bit nervously. There were a few more people wearing more old Earth fashions, but somehow they didn't seem to stand out as much as she did, and some wore mixes of Oni and Human fashion. "I'm pretty sure they spike the food with fluoride. Helps ease the brain for mind control."

"They did that before the aliens invaded." Ryuunosuke said. "I mean even I know that."

Shinobu blinked, "Err, they did?"

"Fine! Let's just get this phone." Ataru marched ahead. "We'll go to a WcDonalds or something once we get out."

"Oh there's a WcDonalds in the Food Court!" Shinobu said brightly, looking at the map. "Good old Earth Junk Food!"

* * *

Lum had realized the problem with trying to find one person in a city was that it was one person. In a city. She'd picked up a phrase from the humans: A nail in a stack of wheat. Or something like that. It was apt no matter what.

Maybe she should have used her access to the planet's resources to find his address, but that felt less **fun.** She wanted to meet Ataru Moroboshi by her own power. But, after a good hour or so of floating around she got bored. So, she decided to head off to the mall to do some good old fashioned window shopping.

After all, it's not like Ataru Moroboshi would just casually stroll into a **mall** of all places. Not with a nice sized chunk of humans still blaming him when there was really nothing he could have done to change the result.

Of course, she also had a pair of sunglasses on. Her hair was done up odango style and she wore a nice Oni style qipao rather than her usual bikini. It helped keep people from recognizing her as Princess Lum. She idly played a game on her phone, floating down the mall.

"Hmm… the new model of yPhone is out, how'd I miss that." Lum mused as she floated past a cell phone store. She had been far too busy recently, "Well it's not like I need to up… grade…" She stopped floating forward, eyes widening as she stared into the phone store. There were three humans in the store. A tough looking one in a slightly cute Oni Bikini, a girl in an old school uniform…

"Ataru Moroboshi!"

* * *

The clerk for the cell phone store was this giant green jellyfish thing with five eyes, suspended in a glass tube with a speaker and microphone attached to the side. Yet it didn't even rank in the top ten weirdest things Ataru had seen since leaving the house.

"Would you like to try the yPhone Z? It has all the latest features." The Clerk said, their tentacles gesturing to a particularly sleek looking phone.

"I don't have a ton of money…" Ataru said. "What do you have for a high school student on a budget?"

"And also what do you have without any Alien Surveillance!" Shinobu said.

The clerk used three eyes to blink.

"No offense," Shinobu quickly offered.

"Right." The clerk said. "Well, I'm afraid we don't have any phones without cameras in them. If that's what you're asking for."

"I could just put a piece of cardboard over it." Ataru said. Also, take it off when Shinobu wasn't around.

The clerk gestured towards a slightly less shiny and new looking phone. "Well in that case how about an older mod-"

"Ataru Moroboshi!"

The air froze. There wasn't a person in the store who didn't recognise the voice, or the name. Everybody's gazes were torn between the boy standing in front of the clerk, and the girl at the entryway to the store. Except the two who had suddenly become the center of everybody's attention. Their gazes were only focused on each other.

Lum had taken off her sunglasses, her bright alien looking eyes narrowed. Ataru's own gaze was hard, serious. It had been six months, but both remembered their opponent like it had just been yesterday. Everyone in the cell phone shop stepped back, suddenly wary of the tension in the air.

Finally, Ryuunosuke was the one to break the silence, "Oh, oh shit it's that Lum chick."

It was like the starter pistol. "RAAAAAAHHHHHHHHGGGGG!" Ataru shouted, and in a flash he bolted forward, one moment he was by his schoolmates and the next he was almost flying himself! His arms outstretched, he leapt into the air! His hands mere centimeters from Lum's head!

Then in a flash of her own Lum flipped into the air, avoiding his grasp completely! He landed hands first onto the ground, flipping over and glaring up at the Oni. "Lum!" He shouted.

"Still not fast enough Moroboshi!" Lum said, her heart racing with excitement! "Six months of training still isn't enough to catch an OnI!"

"He was training!?" Ryuunosuke and Shinobu said at once.

"Maybe not those stupid horns!" Ataru said, holding out his hand, revealing that he was holding a tiger striped bra!

"...what!?" Lum covered her chest with her arms and confirmed that she was no longer wearing a bra, "Y-you! That's sexual harassment Moroboshi!"

"All's fair in Love, **and** War Lum!" Ataru said, pocketing his trophy.

"Oh? And what is it then?" Lum floated down to his face, yet ready to bound away in an instant if those hands moved even an inch. "In case you didn't notice, we stomped humanity when it tried to fight back, so it can't be war."

"You think we're just going to give up so easily!" Ataru could feel his breath bouncing back from Lum's face, he could see the finest details of her expression, the two opponents were almost touching. "As long as a single human has the will to fight then it's not over!"

"That's right!" Shinobu shouted, "We're not going to give up ever! We'll get you filthy aliens off our planet!"

The clerk used all five eyes to blink.

"No offense." She quickly said to them.

"So you want to fight me, Ataru?" She said, sounding out his first name to him. "Well I'll be ready at any time, any place, any way." She smiled sweetly, "But what will you give me in return if I win?"

"Excuse me!? What do I have to give you in return!?"

"Well the last time we went at it Ataru when I won, well, I got this lovely little planet of yours." Lum's hand brushed Ataru's cheek. "I won't ask for that much this time."

Ataru's hand clasped over hers, "Fine! Name your little wager Lum!"

"Well for now how about something simple?" Lum said, "If I win this time you buy me dinner."

"Deal!" Ataru said, "Let's take this outside."

"Of course! Oh, and as a gift, I'll get you and all your friends brand new yPhone Z's, how's that sound?" Lum tossed a card out from her dress to the clerk, who caught it with a robotic hand extending from the speaker.

"Don't think bribing me will work!" Ataru shouted, his hand now holding hers.

"Oh this is just a sign of my goodwill~" Lum said.

The two marched out of the store, Ataru grabbing his new phone in the process.

"That's right Ataru! Beat the alien!" Shinobu cheered, running out after him.

"...they were flirting, right? I ain't the only one who saw that right?" Ryuunosuke said.

"Oh yeah they're going to be married by the end of the year, max." The clerk said.

"How the hell would you know that?" Ryuunosuke said.

"I've been around kid."

* * *

Lum did some pre Tag stretches, and by now a crowd was gathering. Shinobu was fiddling with her new phone, trying to find the settings to turn off the mind control rays and surveillance. Ataru had slipped into a meditative pose, and Ryuunosuke had caught up to them with her own new phone.

"Princess! Princess!" And it seems that Shutaro had found her. "There you are!"

"Oh, Mr. Mendo." Lum said with a lot less enthusiasm. "What brings you here."

"Looking for you!" Shutaro shouted. "You can't just run off on your own without your bodyguards Princess!"

"I see you found Ataru Moroboshi." Ryoko observed. "My word. He looks even stupider in the flesh. I didn't think that was possible."

"Don't look at him too closely, sister! That kind of stupidity is probably contagious. You know how the common folk can be with their petty sickness." Shutaro said.

"The only sick ones here are you traitors!" Shinobu said. Then, to herself, "Oh no... You're not getting me hooked on this stupid brightly coloured puzzle game. I see through your tricks!"

"Excuse me?" Shutaro said, "The Mendo family simply saw the way the winds were blowing!"

"Also word of advice, don't spend money on gems for that game, it's not worth it." Ryoko added. Fair advice, especially since she had the top one hundred scores in the galaxy on that game.

"Mr. Mendo, Ryoko, please not now." Lum said, "This is between me and Ataru, isn't that right?" She felt her heart beating, her breath quickening. This is why she lived! "So you win, I'll pull back my forces from… let's say North America, OK? And if I win then you have to buy me dinner." Lum said.

"That does not seem equitable at all." Ryoko said.

"It really isn't," Lum answered. "He doesn't stand a chance."

"No chance!? Hah! I'll show you the strength of humanity!" Ataru puffed up his chest.

"Right then, since this is quick how's a half an hour timer sound? Ryoko, would you and the girl who really wants to be brainwashed be the referees?"

 **"Want** to be brainwashed? This is to protect me from your Mind control rays!" Shinobu pointed to the hat.

Lum blinked in confusion, "But everybody knows wearing aluminum makes you _more_ vulnerable to mind control rays. I mean, if you don't trust me look it up on the internet."

"The internet that you control?" Shinobu sniffed. "Fake news! Not buying it!"

"Actually the Lucky Gods are the ones that run the internet mostly..." Ryuunosuke muttered, "Shinobu you really need to pay attention to Galactic History more."

"Regardless, I think we can both together be unbiased referees, no?" Ryoko said, popping up next to Shinobu.

"I guess so." Shinobu said.

"Very well, if you wish to play against this reprobate again, I suppose there is nothing I can do but declare its start." Shutaro drew his sword, "On my mark! Three!"

Ataru crouched down.

"Two!"

Lum suppressed an excited giggle.

"Three!"

Ataru again became a blur, rocketing towards Lum! His hands stretched out, ready to grab her horns!

Just as he reached Lum, she spun to the left, twisting out of his path! But Ataru bounded up off the ground with his hands, rising up to grab at her again! Lum had to actually bend back to avoid his grasp. "Wow! You've gotten faster!" She said, "If you had been like this six months ago I'd have lost!"

Ataru landed back onto the ground, "And you're going to lose today!"

Lum laughed, "Not today, sweetie. I'm not going to hold back!"

"Oh? So you're normally this easy?" Ataru said, he looked far to confident.

"Easy?" Lum said.

"I mean, it's our second meeting and I've gotten into your pants already!" He held up his right hand, a lacy tiger striped pair of panties was spinning on his finger.

Lum's face reddened, sparks flew out of her fingertips. "H-how!?" Her hand dropped down over her legs, conforming that she did not have any underwear on anymore. "A-Are you trying to make me lose by modesty, Ataru Moroboshi?"

"How dare you!?" Shutaro charged onto the cleared area, his sword raised. "I'll-" **ZAP!**

"Did I say you could interfere Shutaro Mendou!?" Lum shouted, lowering her hand. The echoes of lightning still in the air. "Ryoko dear please take him off the field."

"Wow the jellyish was right." Ryuunosuke said.

"Pardon?" Shinobu asked.

Ataru pocketed Lum's panties, "Well if you want them come down for 'em."

"Oh no, spoils of war, you can keep them." Lum said.

"...sweet!" Ataru said.

"Ataru! Do not sound so happy to have alien underwear!" Shinobu screamed.

"Oh it's a counter to his strategy, Moroboshi wants Princess Lum to try and get her underwear back to get a better chance at grasping her horns, but she's not falling for it." Ryoko said. "But I guess getting her underwear is a nice bonus, lots of men dream about that. Only thing better is if they got Ran's autograph."

Ataru rocketed at Lum again! This time Lum was being more cautious, bending her body to avoid even being near his arms. She did not want to risk him taking off her dress after all! Yet he was inching closer and closer!

"She's sweating!" Ryuunosuke observed. "Maybe she ain't used to bouncing around this fast, but Ataru seems to be!"

It was true, Lum's face was screwed up in concentration. Her body contorting itself to avoid his grasping hands. Ataru had learned that just aiming for the horns wasn't needed! Grab at her legs, arms, any part of her!

Lum spun around, avoiding a sudden lunge for her head… only for that to have been a feint! Ataru's hands wrapped around Lum's waist!

"He got her!" Shinobu gasped.

"But not her horns." Ryoko said.

"Hah! Can't get away now!" Ataru said.

"You let go of me and I'm going to fly away! Remember, you have to grip my horns with both hands!" Lum said.

"I know that, I just got to make sure you don't run, right Princess?" Ataru said.

"And how are you going to do that Ataru?" Lum said.

Then Ataru's knees began to bend, his back tilting. Lum realized her feet were leaving the ground again, but this time not of their own accord!

"He's going to suplex her!?" The gathered crowd gasped. Sure enough, Ataru was performing a picture perfect German suplex! Lum's head was flipping over and heading straight to the ground! Any second impact would occur and surely she'd be stunned long enough for Ataru to grab her horns and-

And-

"Huh? Where's the impact?" Ataru said.

"Look down you idiot!" Shinobu shouted.

"...huh?" Ataru tilted his head back from his attempted suplex. Shinobu, Ryoko, Shutaro, Ryunnosuke, the crowd, and the ground were all below him. "What!?"

"I should tell you that I'm a strong enough flyer to carry my **father,** let alone you." Lum said, "Nice try, but all I had to do was propel myself up before you could slam me down."

"And… time!" Ryoko said, "The winner is Princess Lum!"

"...damn it she's right. A half an hour has passed!" Shinobu clenched her free fist.

The aliens in the crowd clapped, while the humans began to boo.

Lum floated down, and Ataru let go. He fell to his hands and knees, "Damn it!"

"So, when's our date?" Lum asked.

Ataru turned around to face her. "You think I'm going to-"

"That was the wager, so when's the date?" Lum floated down, "I mean, you already got my underwear, I think it's only fair no?" She whispered to him. "I'll dress nicely for it."

"..nicer than that?" Ataru's eyes involuntarily flickered over her body.

"We'll see." Lum's breath brushed against his cheek.

"Fine!" Ataru shot up, "I'm a man of my words! This Saturday, at 8! It's a date!"

WHAM! A hammer came down onto Ataru's head **"Attaarrruuuuuu!"** Shinobu shouted, "Why are you dating the enemy!"

"He did lose the bet, Shinobu." Ryuunosuke said. "Now he must bear the burden and go on a date with the scantily clad alien babe - We're sure he **lost** the bet, right?"

Ataru pulled himself out from under the hammer, his face locked into determination. If she wanted him to get her dinner, then he'd use it as a chance to probe her for weaknesses! Yes, he'd probe every inch of her!

"Ryoko, could you do me a favor?" Lum asked.

"Yes?" Ryoko said, at Lum's side in a flash.

"Could you check the stork migration patterns? Want to make sure he isn't in heat or something." Lum asked.

"Stork?" Shutaro began to ask but was quickly elbowed into silence by his sister.

"Right away, though I'm pretty sure they're not in season right now Princess." Ryoko said, barely managing to keep from bursting out into maniacal laughter.

* * *

Of course, Earth was not the only inhabited planet in the solar system, surprisingly enough. While the Martans drove themselves extinct trying to blow up other planets to get a better view of the stars Venusarians, Neptunians, and Plutoids all thrived in the Galactic scene.

Honestly one wonders why Earth was so slow to catch up. In the end they were joining the greater Galaxy by force, thanks to the Oni Empire.

So let's go off a bit to the left of Earth, on Neptune. Which, contrary to what Earthlings thought, was not a Gas Giant. Oh sure there were a lot of clouds, but they just covered the surface in an eternal blizzard. As such the planet developed countless snow based lifeforms. With the dominant race becoming the _Yuki-Onna_ a female only species with incredible cryokinetic powers.

And yes they did like to go to Earth to get their hands on some men. What did you expect? Earth was for the longest time like that rustic vacation spot you went to rough it for a bit.

Neptune was independant, mostly because Yuki-Onna were scary enough when mad that nobody wanted to mess with them. As such was serving as a mediator between the Oni Empire and the Federation of Lucky Gods was a common enough event for the planet.

Which is how the Princess of Neptune, Oyuki, became friends with Lum and Benten, the heirs to both Galactic Powers respectively. They even went to school together and all that. Not that any of the girls knew of their heritage until they came of age.

Oyuki was reclining in her room, wearing the sort of swimsuit like outfits that were the galactic casual fashion. In her hands was, well, it was one of those sorts of trashy tabloids that existed across all of space and time. Oyuki had her hobbies. This particular tabloid's cover is what had really caught her eye.

Namely it had Lum on it. This was nothing new, with the Tag Race victory Lum had propelled up from simply "just" a princess to the Conqueror of Earth. This one was new though.

 _"Rivals Reunite! And more!?"_ The headline on the cover said, with a picture of Lum and the boy Oyuki recognized as Ataru Moroboshi, her tag opponent. He was, for some reason, holding one of Lum's bras. The article itself described them having an illicit meeting and Lum was apparently having his child and they apparently spent much of the tag race time mating.

That bit told Oyuki that whoever wrote this article didn't know about Oni reproduction. If Lum was six months pregnant she'd look it. Still, this was a surprise. She wondered what the context was. Well, no need to not engage with some gossip, so…

Blip. "Oy what's up?" The image of Benten popped up on her video-screen.

"Hello Benten, did you see the latest news?" Oyuki waved her magazine.

Benten snorted, "You're the only one who reads that junk, none of it's even true!"

"Well they do have a picture of Lum doing something interesting." Oyuki held up the tabloid to the screen. Not a camera on the screen, they had long figured out how to make screens double as cameras.

"Wait! Does that guy have her underwear?" Benten yelled. "Why does that guy have her underwear?!"

"That's the mystery." Oyuki slapped shut the tabloid. "Lum doesn't look too put out by it too."

"I'd say! She should be zapping that punk to the next arm of the Milky Way!"

Well she had caught Benten's attention, good. "Well how about we head down to Earth and see what's going on?"

"I'd say! And I say we castrate some punk for good measure!" Benten paused, "Wait, do Earth men even have junk to castrate?"

Being close to Earth Yuki-Onna did learn about Human biology, but the ignorance was cute. "I can't say, never seen one." Oyuki said. "Perhaps Lum knows more details."

The heavens themselves trembled at the possibilities that might unfold should a certain wealthy human ever strike up a business deal with a certain Neptunian Princess.

* * *

Back on Earth, Lum found herself in a strange situation. Not knowing what to wear. Ataru was going to take her out to dinner over the weekend and Lum felt like she should do more than just wear her causal Bikini or a "disguise" outfit for when she wanted to be left alone.

"Princess why are you concerning yourself with whatever meger meal this pauper can offer?" Mendo asked. "It would not surprise me if all he can offer is rice and a single stick of celery!

"Ooh, I like celery!" Lum said. She'd never actually tried it before, but there was something to be said for messing with Mendo's head.

"Well the Mendo owned Farms can assuredly provide the highest quality cel-" That's when the closet door Mendo was standing next to flung open, and an icy gale with a massive amount of snow blew out of it. Within short order the space Mendo was standing was instead filled with a snowman, complete with carrot nose and top hat.

Ah this was great! Her friends were here! "Oyuki!" Lum said happily, then she saw a second person pop out. "Benten too!" She flew over and hugged her two best friends ever! "Man it's been ages since we were able to meet up in person!"

Mendo's face popped out of the snowman's head. He spat out the carrot. "Ah, Princess Oyuki and Miss Benten what a… pleasure… to see you two again."

"You still got this sycophant trailing you?" Benten asked.

"Pardon if it weren't for me the Princess wouldn't…" Mendo began to ramble, still inside a snowman, at which point Lum switched on her newest technological acquisition from beyond the stars: The Mendo Filter. Invented after a visiting genius was left trapped in a room with the boy for a full hour.

"He's helpful at times." Lum admitted. "So wow, this is a surprise! I didn't expect you two to show up-" Benten held up the tabloid. "Oh."

"I'm going to assume he isn't the father of your future child." Oyuki said.

"Well no, I don't lay eggs." Lum said.

"Ah so that's how it works with Earthings." Benten said, nodding.

Oyuki faintly wondered where Lum had heard **that** from, but felt absolutely no compulsion to correct it. Quite the opposite in fact. "But why does he have your bra?"

"He took it off me." Lum said. And then a moment later realized how bad that sounded. Her face reddened a little "In a game of tag! He was trying to fluster me to get at my horns!"

"You mean your actual horns, or is that one of those euphemism things?" Benten asked.

"My actual horns." Lum said, "I mean, I don't know how he got got both my bra **and** panties."

Upon hearing that Mendo's face suddenly became blood red and started screaming. Thankfully thanks to the Mendo Filter none in the room heard it. That being said the universe did lose several newly invented profanities that day.

"My that sounds impressive." Oyuki said. "So why are you running around your closet?"

"Oh since I won the Tag game he's got to take me out to dinner."

Both Benten and Oyuki gave Lum the same look. You know the look. Puffed out cheeks, grinning widely, eyes a touch narrower than normal. It's the "you hide no secrets from us" look that is only ever shared among close long term friends.

"So you beat this guy and now he's taking you out to dinner?" Oyuki asked. "That seems strange, I would have thought the man who lost the entire Earth would want nothing to do with you."

"Wait this is the same guy who you beat in Tag before? And he challenged you again?" Benten asked. "I thought you could only rechallenge a victor by kissing her feet and begging for a year!"

"That's just Lucky God tradition," Lum said, though then a smile popped up on her face. "Though that sounds fun…"

"Still, why dinner?" Oyuki said.

"Well I did make that bet, said if he'd lose he had to buy me dinner, just for fun." Lum said.

Benten snickered. "Really? Well, I guess you've always had funny taste in men."

Lum's face turned pink. "It's not like that Benten…"

"Yet you seem to be concerned with dressing up, I haven't seen you this worried about outfits since your first date with Rei." Oyuki said.

Lum groaned, remembering that date. Back then she had been blinded by his handsome face and just happily spent the entire date feeding Rei various cakes. "So it's a date? What's wrong with going on a date? With a human?"

"Nothing's wrong with 'A Human'" Oyuki said, "Just concerned about this particular human, he seems rather rough around the edges.."

"Ain't that your type Oyuki?" Benten teased.

"That doesn't mean he's right for Lum…" Oyuki said, not being phased by said teasing at all.

"Oh come on it's just one date!" Lum complained. "It's not like it means anything. I'm just going to rub it in how he lost two times now to me. Rub it in his dumb, stupid face."

"Yeah, you wanna rub something in his face, but it ain't victory." Benten snickered, to Lum's shriek and Mendo's foaming at the mouth.

"How dare that fool even think he can lay a perverted finger on Princess Lum!"  
That's when the Mendo Filter burst into flames, it would seem his ranting was too much for it. The snow on him had melted and he was waving around his katana. "I swear I will cut his head clean from his neck and have his skull mounted to the inside of a public cistern where it will be put on display for every fool to see!"

There was this slightly awkward silence that followed.

"So you want to look Good for a potential boyfriend huh?" Benten continued, like he hadn't said anything.

"I don't know it's that far…" Lum mumbled, but the blush on her face told a different story.

Oyuki and Benten looked at each other, a smirk on Benten's face. "When's the date?" Oyuki asked.

"This Saturday, at eight." Lum said.

"Ah, plenty of time to prepare." Oyuki said, "In that case, we'll be sticking around for a bit. This Saturday, ask that Ryoko girl for the best spot to get a makeover."

"M-makeover!?" Mendo said. No, this was the worst case scenario! Now she was going out of her way to make a good impression... On someone who would probably be impressed by a cockroach wearing a dress!


	4. Ran the Idol

The humans in this stadium numbered in the thousands. They stood in pitch black with bated breath. The air was thick with anticipation, goosebumps prickling along their skin.

Then a loud noise fills the air, accompanied by a pink spotlight shooting up across the sky. It hits again to a lower key, and this time a blue spotlight goes around in a different pattern. The crowd is tense, silently waiting for a trigger to be pulled.

Only at this moment does her voice echo out, a modern day siren pulling them under her spell. The crowd erupts into loud cheers, but thanks to her advanced tech they can all hear her with perfect clarity even through their noise.

 _"When there's a Zero in your heart! Don't feel bad, you lost your chance! I'll take it from you~"_

Listen to them. Eating out of the palm of her hand. They love her. They adore her! Their cute pink haired idol singing bubblegum pop while wearing a cute pink dress.

 _"I see you soar, I see you fly. You break his heart, you make him cry. 'Cause while you put on the sweetest face, we both know that you are. A. Devil!"_

 **"A Devil!"** the crowd clapped along. Ah they loved this song! About her saving a poor boy from a mean girlfriend. They all imagined their shrews of mothers, siblings, ex's, all thinking that Ran could come along and be the heroine their lonely hearts deserve!

Little guessing that the devil she was singing about was, of course, Lum. Oh, make no mistake that Lum knew about it. Rather the whole point of the endeavor. But since Ran had threatened to reveal what age it was when she finally stopped wetting the bed - well, even the ruler of a planet doesn't want that getting out.

Of course, the tabloids played up the idea that she had some kind of romantic attraction with this 'devil', but that's fans for you. They'll read into anything. Ran had seen the fanfiction people were posting around the galactic internet, she'd sometimes spend hours reading it to totally mock it.

 _"...I'll save that love for you!"_ Ran finished the song, to the deafening cheers of the crowd. "Thank you! I'm so happy to see all of Ran's fans -" who paid lots of money for tickets - "Are here to see me!"

"We love you Ran!" The crowd cheered. Ran suppressed a maniacal laugh at that declaration. Nobody had said that to Lum in months!

She blew them a kiss. A young man in the front row fainted. Hah! This was why Ran always loved these public appearances. It was always so funny seeing these guys who **stood as much a chance with her as a snowball on Venus** worshiping her like a 20th century Goddess!

Because the only true light in her life was Rei. Well... that and ruining Lum's day.

"So, does anyone have a request?" Ran winked at the crowd, which they could hopefully see thanks to the giant holographic projectors showing her in detail on the sides of the stage.

"Electric Heart Attack!" The crowd cheered, picking another popular hit of hers. Critics often wondered why so many of Ran's songs used electricity as a theme. Some thought it was meant to symbolize the new technology being given to Earth at such a rapid pace. Others thought there were more mythological connotations. Ran was amused that nobody thought it was part of spiting Lum in Popular Culture.

"Well, if you insist," Ran said, strutting around the stage like she owned it. And you know what? While she was on it, she kind of did.

* * *

After the concert was over, Ran was backstage relaxing in a bubble bath. Now this may conjure up an image of a bath overflowing with bubbles. Ran reclining, naked but covered in suds. She sticks her leg in the air, lets water run off it, that kind of thing. But no. It was a bath shaped like a bubble, floating in the air. It was a sight that any of her fans would kill, probably literally, to see. But tragically for them the only individual allowed inside Ran's changing room when Ran was relaxing was her agent. Mostly because they were, as required by her contracts, to be robots programmed to be asexual.

"You. Were. Really. Cool. Out. There. Today. Miss. Ran." the "Lost in Space" looking robot in a business suit said.

"Cool? I'd rather be hot!" Ran yelled, tossing soap at the robot. "Sparkling hot! Burning like the sun!"

"Of. Course. Miss. Ran." the robot agent said, and if you listened closely enough you could hear a touch of strain in their mechanical tone. Like a man on the verge of cracking like an egg. They took out a handkerchief and rubbed down the top of their dome, similarly to how someone might wipe sweat off their forehead. "There. Is. Some. News. About. Lum."

A rubber duck bounced off the robot agent. "Don't say her name without warning!" Ran yelled. "So? What news is this? And give me back my rubber duckie! It's mine! Not for robots to play with."

The robot agent sighed, but immediately moved to pick up the duck and return it to Miss Ran. As soon as they were within range, she took the duck and kicked it away hard enough to crash into the corner of the room.

"Miss. Lum. Was. Challenged. To. A. Rematch. By. The. Human. She. Defeated. In. The. Tag. Race. She. Trounced. Him. Again."

"Pft, that'll give her a bit of an ego boost." Ran rolled her eyes. "Oh, look at me. I can fly and completely humiliated Earth's randomly picked champion two times in a row! Blegh!"

"As. A. Condition. Of. Victory. She. Is. Going. On. A. Date. With. This. Human."

The robot agent suddenly found a really, really long and stretchy towel wrapped around them. Then they made a little beepy noise that very nearly sounded like the sort of tone someone might use when saying "oh god no." At which time, the poor suffering robot was tugged right into a wrench that, for some reason, Ran had kept by her bubble bath.

"She's going on a date with some stupid human dork?!" Ran yelled in disbelief. "From what I heard, he was a perfectly average dork! Not handsome, barely even average looking, and she's going on a date with him... after beating him in a second tag race!"

Incidentally, each and every syllable in that outburst was accompanied by the clanging sound of a robot agent being hit with a wrench. Their... shoulders(?) sagged, in much the same way that a salaryman's shoulder's might while thinking 'I had the potential to be a Doctor or a lawyer'.

"Perhaps. Miss. Ran. Lu-. The. Oni. Woman. Is. Lonely. After. Breaking. Up. With. Mr. Rei."

The robot moved away from Ran a fraction of an inch, then moved another fraction when her hand reached out towards them. But no, no pain this time. Only a gentle pat.

"She's lonely after breaking up with Rei!" Ran said, eyes sparkling. "So lonely that she'll settle for an unattractive Earth man stupid enough to challenge her to a second tag race! Ohohoho! That gives li'l Ran a **wonderful** idea." If Lum has a new boyfriend... "Then I'll steal him too! Right under her nose! Then once her heart is broken I'll drain his energy all away, teehee! Isn't li'l Ran sooooo devious?"

"Or. You. Could. Live. Well. And. Date. Rei. Like. You. Always. Wanted."

The robot was now tossed across the room. Ah. Such a shame. One of hell's greatest punishments is a glimpse of heaven. There is no sorrow without hope.

"All I have to do is engineer a little old meeting between me and that boy," Ran said. "Shouldn't be too hard. If he's re-entered the public light, an idol like me should be able to arrange a meeting and arrange a smooching with no trouble at all!"

"As. An. Idol. Your. Moves. Are. Watched. Constantly. It. Would. Ruin. Your. Reputation. To. be. Seen. Kissing. A. Boy."

Ran lifted her foot - and stomped the ground indignantly. "That's a very good point! Stupid and sexist, but Lil'Ran can't reform the Idol Industry in a day!" she yelled right at the robot. Even with alien invasions some cultural attitudes took some time to change, and an Idol staying 'pure' was one of them for now. "Humph! Then I'll have to do something clever!"

The robot agent said nothing. They still found themself embedded in the ceiling a few seconds later. Apparently for 'insinuating that she was stupid or something'.

"I know!" Ran said, happily skipping around the room and laughing cutely/maniacally to herself. "I'll set up a six month anniversary for the first contact with extraterrestrial life! Teehee! It would only make sense to have it in that 'tomobiki' place! It's the perfect excuse! Then I'll hire some P.I's to find somebody he's friends with and use them to give him tickets! It's a perfect plan! Nothing could possibly go wrong!"

"On. Earth. They. Have. Something. Called. Murphy's. Law." the robot began, only to get yanked out of the ceiling and remodeled into a self-slapstick inducing robot. They would automatically teleport a banana, coat it in a thin layer of oil, drop it in front of themself, roll forward and pitch over, correct themself and repeat the process.

This was Ran's 20th Robot Agent, by the way. They all quit rather quickly. Not that she noticed.

* * *

You've never seen a young man set about adjusting his collar and tie with such fearsome determination before. It was as if he was preparing to go out on some grand vendetta from which he might not return, though the impression was rather betrayed by the bouquet of flowers resting on the table under the mirror.

"I'll show her," Ataru Moroboshi griped. "I'll take her on a date so good, she'll give the planet back!"

Yep, the poor boy was reduced to this. Complete delusions over his dating power. Still, he was getting ready for it like a soldier heading off to war. He had his weapons. Some chocolate and some flowers... though he wasn't entirely sure about her anatomy, he was pretty certain she would at least appreciate the effort. He marched right on by his parents, who were watching television in the living room.

"Well, I'm off." He called out to them.

"Have fun dear," his father said.

"For pity's sake, try not to knock her up," his mother said. "Who knows what manner of abomination it might birth into this world."

"Can't be worse than what we birthed." His father added, not looking away from the TV.

"Now, dear. You know that where our Ataru is involved, the phrase 'can't be worse' is taken by the universe as a challenge to overcome."

No emotional support to be found here. What did he expect? His parents only reaction to him staying in his room for six months was to wonder if they should try for a daughter "to get it right this time!" Ataru straightened up his back, strode confidently towards the door, reached out for the handle and then -

"I've got them this time!"

Was bowled over by his ex(?)girlfriend. Who rushed right on into the house without even knocking, landing on top of him. Which was nice, but not right now.

"Knock knock?" Ryuunosuke rapped her knuckles on the doorframe. "Yeah, sorry about her. Soon as I told her, she rushed off here."

Ataru noted that she wasn't breaking a sweat. And he had a lot of skin to look at to check for this. Ryuunosuke was rocking that tiger print bikini most girls her age were wearing these days. It was hot, but at the same time Ataru was really worried he'd get too used to it.

"Hi Shinobu," he said, gently extracting himself from underneath her. "What's got you so excited?"

"Six month anniversary!" Shinobu excitedly explained(?) "Who holds a six month anniversary?! Surely it's a year, not a half year!"

Ataru stared at her for a long hard moment. Then Ryuunosuke sighed, sensing his utter confusion, and unfurled a poster for him to look at. On that poster was a really cute, doll-like pink haired babe wearing a really cute dress and holding out a microphone while hearts floated all around her. It was weird. He could _hear_ that poster even though it wasn't making a sound.

Then Ataru reconized the girl in the poster from the tabloids and even his own school's lunchroom. "That Ran idol? What about her?"

"She's holding a six month celebration of the Oni arriving," Ryuunosuke shrugged. "Li'l miss tinfoil hat here thinks it's some kinda Oni plot to brainwash the population or something."

"That's not what I think!" Shinobu yelled. "I think... This is the work of rival alien agents seeking to use Ataru as a means to hurt the Oni. That's what this is."

"Uh huh... So you wanna help out these rival aliens?"

"No! They're aliens and they're plotting to use humans!" Shinobu nodded, as if that made perfect sense. "Therefore, their plot must be undone. For the good of humankind, we shall not be used as proxies in their intergalactic conflict. So what we're going to do is turn the plot that the aliens have against both of them!"

"I dunno, ain't this Ran chick a friend of Lum's?" Ryuunosuke said. "Least accordin' to the tabloid's I've seen." More than friends, according to some.

"Ran grew up on the Oni homeworld and they were playmates all throughout childhood. Plus they went to Elementary, Middle, and High School together." Shinobu explained, "Which is exactly why I know Ran must be some alien double agent planted by Lum's enemies."

"Wow you know a lot about Ran." Ataru said. "You almost sound like a fan or something."

"Me? A fan of an alien infiltrator into our pop culture?" Shinobu asked. Funny thing, she sure was squirming a lot just now. "Why would I ever buy all her songs and music videos and have an alien made player in my house to play them!?"

"We stood in line for a couple hours last month when her "Electric Heart Attack" album came out." Ryuunosuke said, and Shinobu shrieked and hid her blushing face in her hands.

"I'm studying the alien's attempted infiltration of our pop culture so that I know what I'm fighting." She transparently lied.

"Which is why we went to that karaoke place with the dancing game, and cranked out all her songs," Ryuunosuke nodded. Shinobu shrunk down even more. "Anyway, apparently I won some contest and got sent some tickets in the mail. Trick is, I gotta take a male friend and you're the only guy I -"

"Rejected!" Shinobu interrupted. "Not a chance! Trust me, you don't want to go on a date with Mister Grabby here! Not in a concert, and not dressed like that. Instead, you'll take me and dress up like a boy yourself!"

"Rejected!" Ryuunosuke crossed her arms. "I ain't dressing like no man, not ever again! Got it? You wanna go to this concert so bad, you be the dude!"

"F-Fine! B-but you got to give me advice on how to pass as a guy!" Shinobu said.

"Yeah, yeah. But first we gotta work on that walk of yours. It's way too girly, you know?"

And off they went, having an argument about Shinobu cross-dressing and going to this concert and foiling evil alien plots, leaving Ataru standing there with a crushed bouquet of flowers staring out into the street as they left.

"You're not fooling anyone," his mother called out, having not taken her eyes off the screen. "You don't especially care about that confusing conversation much."

"That's right," his father added. "You're using it as an excuse to stare at their behinds."

"I can do two things at once!" Ataru shouted at his parents.

"And it only took sixteen years." His mother said.

Ataru wished his parents would just have their daughter already so they could focus their ire on her already. As for him, he had a date... with destiny!

Also an annoying alien who did _not_ have a cute smile that made him weak at the knees!

* * *

The day that the Oni came had been the worst day of Shinobu's life. She had always been a bit… odd. Brash and independent. Not to mention she could bench press trucks when motivated. But she grew up in a very conservative society. "The Nail that sticks up gets Hammered down" and all. So she strove to be Normal. To suppress her oddities and grow up to be a proper young lady.

Then a group of aliens with far more liberal attitudes about damn near everything show up and impose their view on society on humanity by force. Racism, sexism, homophobia all sorts of bigotry were no longer allowed on Earth. True Equality is the law of the land, and Japan's culture of conformity has been battered hard the past six months. Take, for instance, School Uniforms. They don't exist anymore. No school required uniforms. Everybody could wear whatever they wanted to school.

And with how comfortable and attractive the alien outfits were, a massive majority of people chose them. Cue a bunch of girls - human girls - strutting around in tiger print bikinis. Uncaring that the boys could see almost everything they had to offer.

Shinobu needed things to be normal again. If "normal" changed than all the work she had done suppressing her strength, forcing herself to smile and nod when boys talked instead of telling them how dumb they were sounding, trying desperately to make Ataru **normal,** all would be wasted. For nothing. Her life had been chasing an arbitrary standard made up by people rather then Just How Things Were.

So Shinobu had looked for people who were also interested in restoring things to How Things Should Be. She looked, and looked, and looked. And found people who claimed to know the truth. What the media wasn't telling you, what the aliens real objective was. And how to protect yourself from them. They gave her magazines, pamphlets, and other informative literature.

Shinobu would be really disappointed if she learned that the most her new "allies" had done was scribble out "The Illuminati" and replace it with "aliens" to find their new truth.

So now the girl looking to be normal at any cost was getting some men's clothing ready. Because apparently this ticket her friend over the past 6 months won required a boy and a girl to go with them. And despite Ryuunosuke being able to pull off being a man really well she refused to do so after Miss Sakura hooked her up with those special holograph outfits.

"Maintaining a resistance against a technologically superior alien race that's conquered your world is a lot harder than it looks in the movies..." Shinobu mused. "I thought they'd just die of Earth illnesses or we could break into their spaceships computers."

Well anyway. This kind of skill might prove to be pretty useful in future, the more she thought about it. Confuse the enemy. Make them look for a boy that was causing trouble, and they'd surely overlook the cute girl. Hah! Yes, it would definitely take some practice, but that might well work!

Earth made clothing was cheaper by the day. So Shinobu was able to pretty easily pick up a Beatles T-shirt and matching jeans. Ryuunosuke had gently guided her to male clothing that didn't look weird. Then she actually gave Shinobu one of her old sarsashis. Shinobu tied up her shoulder length hair and looking in the mirror she looked like a slender and pretty young man.

She looked over to something that would surprise a lot of people. It was alien technology. An "NP3" player that could play music she bought from the discs she bought. Even she had to admit some alien technology was good. If only the whole "we rule your planet now" thing wasn't part of the package. She picked it up and put the headphones in her ears. Some of Ran's pop music started playing. Something about Ran's slightly sarcastic singing just appealed to Shinobu at a deep level. None of the other Ran fans Shinobu had (in disguise, she had a reputation to keep) talked to had really seemed to catch the double meanings and sarcastic jokes in her music. She made a note to ask Ran about that if she ever got to see her.

Once "A Thousand Cupcakes" finished playing she stopped the NP3 player and pocketed it. It was time to go pick up her date

* * *

If you were to ask Mr. Fujinami what he thought of the Oni Invasion he'd ask "The hell are you talking about, you dumbass?"

Yes the man was that oblivious to the world around him. He cared about Hamajaya, ensuring that his daughter continued to be his son, and trolling her as much as possible. The order of preference shifted on an hourly basis.

He was currently scribbling down notes about either a new method of gaining profit for the Hamajaya, or to ruin Ryuunosuke's day. Luckily both these things were often combined. His musings were interrupted by a knock on the School Store entrance. "Who's there!" He shouted at the door.

"Mr. Fujinami open up!" a voice at the other end of the door said.

"That doesn't answer my question!" he said in a louder voice. Then he was kicked in the side of his head by his daughter, slamming him into the table.

"Can't you even answer a damn door!"

"Oh! My aching sides! My son, please invite our guest in so that they might help tend to my injuries!"

"Ya stupid ugly annoying old…" Ryuunosuke muttered, walking over to the door and opening it up. Mr. Fujinami saw who was on the other side of the door. Why, it was a small young man!

"Ready to go Ryuunosuke?" the Beatles fan asked. Wait. A thought, for once, entered Mr. Fujinami's mind. His "son" was going out with another man!

"I thought I raised you better boy! Going on a date with another man!" He roared in righteous fatherly anger! "To think you would engage in such unmanly-" Suddenly he was hti in the face and sent flying into the wall on the other side of the room. Ah! He'd recognize that right hook anywhere! "Miyake!? What are you doing dressed like that!?"

Shinobu frowned, "It's a long story. We're just going-"

"On a date yes! My son's cute girlfriend deserves better than those manly clothes!" Mr. Fujinami from… somewhere pulled out a bikini so skimpy even current fashions would find it scandalous. Honestly one wondered how her private bits would even be covered with so little fabric. "Here you go! Oh, but I'd better leave the room while you change -"

Cue two girls clocking the idiot on either side of his dumb fat head.

"This isn't a date!" Shinobu shouted, "I mean I guess it might be considered by some but and we're both going to a concert together but it's because Ryuunosuke won some tickets and I have to dress like this to get in!"

"Why do you need to crossdress to go on a date with my son?" Mr. Fujinami asked.

Shinobu frowned. Nothing anybody said to this man could convince him that he had a daughter. To the point where Ryuunosuke actively had some alien technology to make it look like, just to him, she was still wearing male clothing. Luckily she thought up something. "It's just the gimmick of the concert, that's all."

Mr. Fujinami stared at her with that disturbing face of his. Then he smiled, which was somehow creepier. "Well have fun!" He slapped Ryuunsouke on the back. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

"That's like the exact opposite of how to live a good life old man." Ryuunosuke muttered, taking Shinobu's hand. "Come on let's get outta here." The alleged couple slipped out of Casa de Fujinami to places without idiot dads.

"Honestly. I don't get where he got the idea we're dating." Shinobu said with a annoyed huff. Trying not to think about that they had gone on a date at least once to convince a stalker of hers to leave her alone.

"You did kinda shove me in a tuxedo to match your bride costume for that contest a while back." Ryuunosuke threw in another memory Shinobu was trying not to think about at the moment.

Shinobu groaned, her face turning a little redder. "Look, that was just because, uh, you were still dressing as a guy and pulled off the look so well!"

* * *

"What do you mean she's plopping a concert in the middle of Tomobiki!?" Shutaro's voice got a bit higher pitched, some spittle hitting the Oni attendant who had just given him the news. "Princess Lum is already in danger and Ran is pulling something!?"

"I don't think a date is a danger." The attendant said. Mentally he was calculating the pay raises he'd get for dealing with this Shutaro Mendo guy. Princess Lum had been giving increasingly large ones as their Mendo Filters kept breaking. "So could you just pass down this paperwork to the Princess? My shift ends… now." The papers were pushed into Shutaro's hands and the Oni flew away, far away from him. Shutaro didn't pay him any heed, he was but a commoner after all. He instead looked down at the papers. Ran had set up a concert as part of an anniversary deal. Celebrating 6 months since the first content.

"This is nonsensical, there's no reason to celebrate Princess Lum showing up six months ago. A year maybe, but not six months." This had to be some scheme of Ran. Shutaro was pretty sure the entire reason that cutesy pink haired alien had even bothered to come to Earth was to scheme against Lum. He needed to warn Lum. Sure all the paperwork had already been filed but as the person in charge of Earth Lum could probably veto it. Shutaro knew that whatever scheme Ran was planning might endanger her!

"I've got to warn her! Princess!" Shutaro shouted, running dramatically to her office where she would asuredly be getting in some last minute work instead of preparing for a disaster of a date with some low life failure! He reached her office and pushed open the door. "Princess!"

"Huh? I'm not a princess Shuchan." Someone who was **not Lum** said while **sitting on her chair.** The wild haired roughly dressed idiot said. He took a bite of a baseball like it was an apple.

"Tonch- err, Mizunokoji what the hell are you doing in the Princess's office!?" Shutaro shouted.

"Is that what you're calling your sister? That's a bit creepy." Tombimaru said, finishing off his baseball. It was honestly a little unnerving how he could eat those. And then spit them back out on command. Even if he had chewed them up.

"Princess Lum! The new ruler of the planet!" Shutaro felt a headache coming along. Somehow whenever Tombimaru showed up Lum and any other galactic representatives were elsewhere. And Shutaro's rival spent years in the woods training to to play baseball. As such he had completely missed the change of management for Humanity and somehow continued to miss it.

"Who?" Tombimaru said, "Anyways I'm here for a rematch, after our last game ended in a tie!" It had ended with a score of 0-0 after a full day of play.

"I'm busy with other things. I've got to stop a concert from-"

"Ohh is that why Ryoko gave me these tickets?" Tombimaru held up a pair of cute tickets with Ran's cute face on them. "You want to go see this idol before we compte? That's fine by me. I haven't heard much music, what with training in the wilderness and all."

Shutaro twitched, why did Ryoko have to make life more difficult! He needed to stop the concert! Not go to- wait.

If he personally went to the concert, then he could work to stop Ran's plans directly instead of trying to use bureaucracy! His face split into a manic smile. "Of course Tonchan! I hear Ran is real popular with the common folk so I decided it'd be a good way for us to catch up!"

"Oh great! Maybe we can use the stadium it's in for our game afterwards." Tombimaru said, pulling out another baseball and swallowing it.

"Yes yes." Of course this time Shutaro would make sure he won the match. Unlike the last disaster where Ryoko got her hands on some duplication ray and used it on his rival.

* * *

As a fan Shinobu knew these tickets were the Holy Grail. Special VIP Line skipping tickets with backstage access after the show! Her hands were almost shaking with the special holographic tickets!

Shinobu had to loudly deny this when at school. She had to stay normal. Until Earth was ruled by human beings again she had to avoid any public hints that there might be anything worthwhile about Alien culture. She had to deny that she liked Ran's music. Had to deny that she had thought Ryuunsouke had been han-

But right now she wasn't recognizable as "Shinobu Miyake." She was in disguise as as a boy. Taking a pretty girl to a popular Idol's concert. OK, it was a bit annoying that Mr. Fujinami thought it was a date. It wasn't! She was a normal girl, and normal girls don't crossdress and go on dates with other girls!

"So you really think Ran's tryin to pull somethin?" Ryuunosuke asked her while they walked. Neither wanted to take the hover bus to the stadium.

"Just a gut feeling I have. The tabloids are always on about some weird relationship with them but there's that bigfoot guy or something." Shinobu said, "I bet there's some point of contention, since they're never seen together **publically.** It's always just candid shots. Why wouldn't the current ruler of the planet want to pal around with the newest pop sensation? When they have history together? Unless it's a bad history and they're rival factions or something."

"You know all this but you didn't bother to remember who runs the Galactic Internet?" Ryuunosuke said with a bit of amused exacerbation.

"So whatever Ran wants to do we've got to take!"

"And her autograph right?" Ryuunosuke said.

"Ye- no! I mean... Damn it Ryuunosuke!"


End file.
